Still alive

I have slowly been picking up the peices of steve leaving. I have also had to say my final goodbyes to Dave I guess. He was the one who said he wanted to stay friends and that lasted for three days and then he stopped picking up the phone for me and deleted me from his myspace so whatever. I'm done with the childish bullshit. I am done playing the games I am going to be me and be who I am and if they don't like it to fucking bad. I never feel right when I pretend to be someone I'm not. Yes I am a single mom. Yes i still put a lot of faith in my friends. My friends are like family to me and if you don't like that to damn bad. I love being the center of attention. I mostly hang out with guys, but i am getting a few "girlfriends" too. I am a flirt. Deal with it or leave. My family is super important to me. I can yell rant and rave about them all I want. You'd better never say a word against them. We are extremely close. Insanly close almost...But we like it that way and will always be like that.

I have started hanging out with my girl Jess... the past is the past and that's where it will stayt as far as old shit. I am talking to my son's biological father and he wants to be in Jake's life and I see no reason for him not to be. I am also over the "babysitter" bullshit. It no longer matters.

Even people's lives who seem perfect, aren't. Nobody is always happy... that's why happiness isn't everything being perfect, it's looking PAST the imperfections. So i need to quit comparing my life to everybody else's. I have the only thing in the world that matters to me and that is Jacob Anthony 12-09-04. <3 I may not be the best mother in the world and I'll admit i've made mistakes but hey he knows i love him and i try the best i can to make sure he's happy.

Love Always,
Nickie

Well It Just Goes To Show Nothing Is As It Seems

Steve left for good last Wed. I don't want to get into when where how he left it just pisses me off. Dave is out n we're talking but he still ives in Ohio n he has a girlfriend. Things in my head are just so confusing!!!
Love Always,
Nickie

Dance to the music!!!

I'm back online !!!!!!
Love Always,
Nickie

Summer Plans

This summer I hope will be busy with things to do. So far we have a few BBQ's, a grad party, some bonfires, Michigan's Adventure, and i wanna go camping as well as few other things this summer.


Today we're supposed to go play at the park BUT it decided to rain. Fun joy not!! Went and saw my godsons yesterday but forgot the camera. I think my girlie is thinking about taking Jake for the weekend soon. It would be the first time Steve n i didn't have Jake for more than a few hours. So I'm hoping that it happens soon and then I'll return the favor by taking the boys.

I really reLLY RElly WANT A cigerette. n jake is driving me bonkers right now lol :)

May 2009 Pictures

Me and my babii at a bbq at our apartment Me n Jake Jake in the tree

Me N My love

We're Still in the tree

He looks like the Joker

Love Always,
Nickie

catching up

Well it's June and that means steve n i have been together for 6 months now. Holy crap!!! It's amazing how time flies by. We have a truck now that is in no way the best car out there but its way better than not having one at all. It's a stick shift so I drive it. Things are good over here as always. We're both looking for jobs b/c we've decided we want a house. Yep, we want a house hopefully this year but in order to do that we need to find a rent to own home or a nice foreclosed house and we need JOBS!!! lol :) jake's doing good. Excited about the carnival we're going to friday. I can't wait!!!



I hate dreams that haunt you after you have them. Who says we want to dream anyway?
Love Always,
Nickie

my FIRST post as a 24 yr old

So I turned 24 a week ago about... I feel so old UGH!!!! Life is going by at a crazy pace lately I swear. Easter is already come and gone. We had a nice dinner on saturday with my parents to celebrate Easter since they were going to visit my grandma on Easter. So easter was just me steve n jake. It was a great day. Woke up about 8 am found his easter basket which we hid in the shower lol, found his eggs that had candy in them, made dinner and played games and relaxed all day. It was so much fun.

It's only me steve and jake that live here now told everybody else they needed to hit the road... always having people around is great when all you want to do is have a good time and not care about anything else but I have greater responsibilities than that so everybody got booted....

My engine seized on the Sable so I sold it on craigslist I SWEAR I LOVE THAT SITE I am hoping to get my son's dad's taxes soon and hopefully that will be the last lil bit of money i need to get the new car I want. I'm thinking along the lines of an 02-03 Escort or something that is reasonable for a "family" car as well as cost effective since the economy SUX

Jake's last day of school is June 12th. Not looking forward to that b/c all week he's asked if he can go to school yet and I'm not looking forward to listening to that for three months. His speech is improving and he doesn't act anything like he used to really. Yea he's a brat but my kid is no longer the worst behaved kid THANK GOD now the rest of his attitude is from being a spoiled only child***Whistle*** i would have nothing to do with that i swear....

Steve n I are doing good. He made a steak dinner for my birthday and made an AWSOME ham for Easter YUMMY :) He just needs to get on a normal sleeping schedule. Our schedule is so messed up its funny. It's not unusual for us to be up at like 3 am. We don't sleep we take extended naps or at least that what HE says. He is just such a sweetheart

There are just so many things i want to get right now. I bought a printer scanner and copier in one from best buy last year and it never really worked right and now i was trying to scan some pictures from Ancient times and it won't scan at all grrr.... so my list of things i want just keeps growing. I need a new digital camera b/c my last one was stolen AGAIN!!!!!!!!! i think i am not meant to have a digi b/c i've had 3 of them stolen from me in like 4 years. assholes..... but until i get my new digi, i'm using a 35 mm film camera so at least i still have one. We also want a whole bunch of kitchen stuff b/c we both love to cook and that is something we like to do together so we're realizing we need some better tools to work with.

Me personally I feel like i am fighting off a massive depression streak right now so I am taking it day by day and feeling by feeling. I'm so unsure of so many things and I never beleive something good is going to continue happening to me b/c it's been ingrained in my mind that I don't deserve something good happening to me. I try so hard everyday to work past my insecurities and lack of self esteem But sometimes is seems pointless. How do i know any decision i've made or I'm making is the right one? Is there a signal, a sign, anything? or is it all guess work that u just never really know if its right or not. Either way I'm just trying to be happy and make decisions that are going to make me happy./
*-

Love Always,
Nickie

Quotes

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."

" If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't then it was never meant to be"

"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you."

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

" The Beauty is in the attempt."

Love Always,
Nickie

Catching Up

Ok so here's me catching up on my life. I did end up telling him I love him and it didn't go too bad... I got good news from all the places I had to go to last week so everything is good on the home front :) I am massivly sick and hate being so~ Jake is CrAzY but that is nothing new. He got an official big boy bike last weekend for Grandma's house and may be getting another big boy bike in a few weeks for here but until then is using his big wheel since the dog ate his bike 2 summers ago... I've realized that some things i thought were completely false and people from the past should stay in the past for a reason n i'll leave it at that. Gracey is getting big and she is like a miniture dog we all love her to death <3>

I Thank my stars every night for the life I have right now



Love Always,
Nickie

Me and people in my life March 2009

Love Always,
Nickie

Going To My Mommy's

Tomorrow we are going to my mom's house. This will be the first time that steve has gone with me to my mom's house. I'm gonna be doing laundry and steve is i guess helping jake with his new bike and training wheels and then we're all having dinner. I'm crossing my fingers for a great day and i'm trying to figure out things in my head. I know they are there but do i really wanna go down this road knowing it's not the same for him? Do i really wanna do one of the things he warned me not to? Love Always,
Nickie

betrayed.... random poems i found online that says how i feel

This poem expresses what happens when a guy and girl friendship has to come to an end and proves that old saying "guys and girls cant be just friends"
Sunshine
© Kahlen
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Who would have thought we'd be best friends?
Who would have known on you I could depend?
Who could have saw it would end so fast?
Now our strong bond remains in the past.
You were there for me as long as it worked for you.
I never realized how much I depended on you.
You've gotten lost in someone who is not worth your time.
I guess along the way I forgot you weren't "mine".
Now the person I thought you were has left my sight...
I swear, I tried so hard to keep us strong, I held with all my might.
When I finally got the nerve to tell you how it made me feel,
you tried to keep your heart from seeing it was real.
You let me walk out of your life and you didn't even know.
I think inside you had convinced yourself I'd never go,
Everyone always says guys and girls can’t be just friends anymore.
We always used to laugh it off; I guess in our hearts we thought we were so sure...
Yet here I am, saying goodbye.
I gave it my all, I had to try,
and though I'm still around and you see me every now and again
soon you'll see... you've lost your best friend.

The hardest part of any friendship is when it's time to say goodbye. As much as we might like things to stay the same, change is an inevitable part of life.

A thousand times you said you care
A million times you tell you’ll be there
A hundred times you said you loved me
But a billion times you left me nowhere.

I trusted in you with my eyes closed
Being with you was dancing in the sky
Sharing with you was laughing all time
Keeping you close was happiness in my heart
But without you I’m nowhere

I don’t know if you really deeply care
Now I just see fake smiles, broken hearts
I lost your hand in the middle of my way
I can’t find the way out in this dark empty space

I’ve lost almost the best people I’ve had
Continue with you is just being disappointed once again
Like the old times when I was just a ghost for you
The way I always felt, hiding by your invisibility cloak

I just wish I won’t exist
So you can continue your life without thinking of me
I just wish I could disappear
And no more problems with me

Hating to left you
You were absolutely the best
But other people deserve you more
And you actually love her more

So goodbye, it was my pleasure
You were a good friend this time
But as life comes on people always
Run out of your lives, goodbye.
Love Always,
Nickie

things to do...

WOw i have so much shit that needs to get done. I have to call unemployment today between 5-6, tomorrow his teacher is coming to thew house for her 2nd yearly visit to the house and then friday i have to go to FIA at like 8 am to get on food stamps since every money situation i have is just taking forever. GRRRR! plus jake needs to get back on medical insurance. I hate not having him insured b/c i know he'll be the one to break him arm or need stitches or something stupid. I'm irritated about my car and am really hoping that it's fixable
Love Always,
Nickie

Getting irritated

I feel I've been really patient with Tony when it comes to child support. I've left him alone about being in so much debt, I don't care that he doesn't see Jake. I just leave him alone I don't ask for anything I don't threaten to put him in jail or anything like that. I feel I've been extremely understanding about him abandoning his son but come on enough is enough. He owes like $16,000 and even though he doesn't pay it, I am still responsible for making sure Jake has everything he needs. I know a lot of guys bitch about having the child support money they give women being spent on themselves but if you think about it, who's to say the $20 SHE took from her wallet to buy the child shoes wasn't money she was going to use for something she needed so when the child support comes in she uses $20 of that for what she originally needed. Its a thought going through my head right now b/c that used to be something he bitched about from his first baby mama. But it's amazing that he owes me enough money that i would be completely set for a year at least with taking care of everything. It's insane and i have no idea what to do about it.
Love Always,
Nickie

So What Makes It Official?

What makes a relationship official? is it words? Actions? feelings? amount of time?
I don't have the answer to that but it intrigues me because everybody is so set on having a title. Love Always,
Nickie

There's A Guy

So there's this guy n i kinda like him. He's 2 years younger than me but it's okay. He's a complete hidden sweetheart. He's so funny, sweet, thoughtful, caring (in the guyish way of course), Cute in a scruffy way, and just makes me so happy. Just wow

Love Always,
Nickie

Why Is He Calling?

The last time Dave called was in the first week of January. Now out of the blue, i get 2 calls from him 2 days in a row. I'm just not sure why he's calling. I'm not even sure where he's calling from. The first day he hung up as soon as my brother picked up the phone, probably b/c he heard a guy's voice answer the phone. And yesterday we weren't home when he called. I am picking up the peices of my life and finally moving on socially and he starts calling again. I guess i'm just wondering WHY IS HE CALLING ME??
Love Always,
Nickie

just checkin in

Hey I'm just letting everyone know what's been going on with me. I'm been chilling ever since i lost my job. I'm watching some kids to help pay the bills and I got a few roomates now. My girl sam, my brother Zach, and his friend Steve is stayin here too. It's been fun and interesting too. Jake's surgery went fine but i think he's getting a cold or something from school. that's tons of fun not. i need to do laundry AND go grocery shopping!!!! ugh lack of money SUCKS ASS!!!! I still haven't gotten my paycheck which i should've gotten LAST THURSDAY!!!!!! Fuckin sucks!!!!
Love Always,
Nickie

Dave's Sentence

He's out Simple as THAT!!! But he is in a inpatient rehab for a while, 2 years probation, na and AA meetings, and some other stuff. But He is not in jail anymore.
Love Always,
Nickie

Jake's surgery

On jan 22nd my lil man will be going into providence Hospital for Tubes in his ears, romoval of his adnoids and possibly his tonsils as well. his surgery is early as hell in the morning at a hospital i don't trust due to my son's birth. but he has a good dr and i will do as the dr says and get my baby the help he needs. Tony's not gonna like the fact that he'll owe 44.7% of whatever deductible the surgery is. I know it will be a big hassle for him to pay it but what ever. He needs the surgery. I really wish someone would be there with me but Another joy of being a single mommy, i will be there alone waiting for my baby to come out of surgery. it's gonna be a quick surgery I hope. but he'll nr groggy and in pain. my poor thing. As for me, I will have my own issues walking back into the hospital that almost killed me and my son when he was born. i'll update on this one after his surgery
Love Always,
Nickie

2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back

I have moved forward in so many ways the past several months. But once again I got knocked down and wether it was my fault on purpose or just a lack of planning that now has me wondering how I will survive is a matter of opinion. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this decision can be reversed and I get one last chance. So anyone who reads this please just say a quick prayer that things are going to continue going well for me. I really don't think i can take much more failure in my life.

Love Always,
Nickie

Depression Setting In

I am by nature the "strong" one. I can get through anything and survive more things than many other people do. But on the inside i am a insecure female who feels like there is no one there to listen to me. I know i have aquntaintences and i think i have a few real friends but even those friends i have i wonder why are they friends with someone like me. I always question if they're really my friends or if they are using me for something. Its a very disturbing thought, I feel that i am extremely obese and that my hate for myself rubs off on other people. I have no self control when it comes to food and emotional eating. But then i get upset with myself for not being stricter on myself. I am sorry for those of you I have been ignoring or feel that I'm ignoring you but when my depression and low self esteem kicks in, i don't talk to anybody. I don't do anything EXCEPT be alone and get very emotional. So if i'm not crying, i'm super frustrated, if i'm not frstrated, i'm super pissed. hopefully this won't last long, but i am unsure do to the season and the other things going on in my life that just seem to keep adding up.
Love Always,
Nickie

only have a few minutes

I am majorly stressing about money. Jakes school f**ked up so now i have to pay his baby sitter extra money that I DON'T have so she'll watch him all week since he won't be in school. Bills are gonna start piling in soon, i have 1/4 tank of gas my last paycheck was short due to my suspension so GRRRRR!!!! not enough money to go around. Dave's court date is this week so i'm freaking out about that. He keeps calling. and that's upsetting too. Just uhhhh!!!! as well as i think i'm getting post holiday blues. well my few minutes are up i have to go back to work.
Love Always,
Nickie

Woke Up ON The Wrong Side Of The Bed

Oh boy did i ever wake up cranky this morning! N i have no idea why. I know i have tons of shit to do and money is on my mind again b/c it's tight but what do i expect? My poor gracey is getting treatments for some baby kitten virus but they say she'll be okay. My house was JUST CLEAN!!! and now it's trashed so I'm not happy about that. Aparently they are going to leave my leaky foundation until it leaks again and then i go all bitchy on them before they fix it!! Assholes! I lost all my passwords to the private rooms i belong to in my forum so i have to post to the moderators and ask for them again!!!Told ya i'm just in bitchy bitch mood!! but on a good note i will be posting a new set of pics so ya'll will love that.
Love Always,
Nickie

RECONNECTED!!!

As of right now, I am reconnected to the internet!!!! I'm at work so it doesn't matter but i am reconnected!! i love my parents! they got me a desktop as a late christmas present and i got it yesterday!!!!! I am so excited to be reconnected to everyone again!!!
Love Always,
Nickie

Gracey

I have an adorable lil kitten named gracey!! she's about 9 weeks old and technically she's Jake's. His babysitter got him a kitty with my knowledge for christmas. She's so great with him I love it.
She acts liek a dog. follows me around the house, sleeps on me when i'm playing video games or watching tv.
I love being a mommy to my new furball!!!!!!!



Love Always,
Nickie

UPDATE ON ME

Okay so it's 2009! on a radio station i listen to they were talking about leaving anger and trassgressions against you in 2008 IN 2008 lol.
So that is what i have decided to do. No more anger at anyone. Forgiveness is the gift of the year to everyone from me.
I will forgive i may not forget but karma's a bitch and it'll eventually get them anyway so why do i need to harbor hard feelings on anyone? I DON'T!!!

So I volunteered to work New Year's Day so... it's beeen an interesting day to say the least. i think i went to bed last night at like 4 am. Was hanging out with my friends at thier house and then came home to my brother and a party at my house lovely huh? forchantly he had prior permission from me.

Jake is doing well. driving me crazy of course! i bet my babysitter can't wait for school to resume!! Which mentioning the babysitter, THEY MOVED TO ACROSS THE STREET!!!! I LOVE IT! Its so much fun living close to them again.

I hate not having a computer. it's driving me crazy and it's actually very upsetting. That is like my life line. :( makes me wanna cry even thinking about it.

i need to find a vet for Gracey... she's only like 9 weeks old and i think somethings wrong with her. she has scabs on her neck. I see her scratching all the time. She does wear a collar but that's not coming off. I hope nothing's wrong with my newest baby...

That's all for now. I miss and love everyone
Love Always,
Nickie